


it's seasonal

by fated_addiction



Category: K-pop, Korean Actor RPF, Real Person Fiction, So Nyuh Shi Dae | Girls' Generation, 소녀시대 | Girls' Generation | SNSD
Genre: Angst, F/F, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-22
Updated: 2019-03-25
Packaged: 2019-11-27 09:55:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18193049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fated_addiction/pseuds/fated_addiction
Summary: It's unsolicited. But she dials Jessica.Or, Taeyeon is terrible at love songs.





	1. (summer)

-

 

 

 

(summer)

 

 

tiffany holds up two burritos.

"listen," taeyeon says like this is going to kill her. because it is. "the last time we had mexican we were drunk and it almost killed me."

los angeles is sticky tonight. the dry heat is almost matted. summer stateside was a terrible idea, she almost complains. her phone says it's going to rain and tiffany is already pissed that taeyeon has canceled any of her instagram attempts. i don't need to remember that i was here, she had said. i'll come back.

tiffany scowls. "we're sober. and stop being a shitty friend."

taeyeon's default response is to snort. because she doesn't miss tiffany's whining. just tiffany. weird, right?

"fine."

she grabs the burrito. forgets that it's two am and really, she just wanted a cheeseburger. she takes a bite and her teeth skip into some tinfoil. which, ugh.

"i'm eating my burrito," she mutters.

tiffany rolls her eyes. because it's 2019 and this is where they are at.

 

 

it's no secret that taeyeon prefers to be home. makes the most sense for her. the only other person like her was sunny. there's safety in being at home. no one pretends and it's quiet. it's nice that it's quiet.

but with tiffany in meetings, disneyland promised at night, taeyeon has nothing to do but read and watch tv and try and convince herself to go to the beach. you need an actual vacation, her management said. taeyeon really didn't feel like arguing.

unfortunately after the fourth romantic comedy with the rain, taeyeon grabs her phone and starts to scrolls. it's a nasty habit. even nastier when she settles on a couple of forgotten names.

it's unsolicited. but she dials _jessica_.

"hello?"

taeyeon blinks. she might have answered on the second ring.

"i'm in los angeles," she says. right away. her voice cracks. you're tired, she tells herself. "hi," she greets. "sorry i'm still adjusting after traveling and the time change and -"

"tiffany told me," jessica cuts her off. "i saw her the last time i was here. she told me that you were the last one to come see her."

"she's a brat."

"she misses you."

"she's got an _instagram_ problem," taeyeon mutters.

jessica laughs and it sounds kind of smug. or maybe it's just taeyeon wanting it to be smug so she can continue to be cranky. she feels cranky. her mouth twists and she groans.

"what's wrong?"

taeyeon sighs. "i'm in a terrible mood."

"you're always in a terrible mood."

"not _always_." she wants to fight. that's it. taeyeon feels it vibrate in the back of her throat. "just today," she mutters and damn, this is ridiculous. "i just... i guess i was expecting to spend more time with her. not her dogs. or the inside of her house."

jessica sighs too. maybe to piss her off. if anything, she wouldn't put it past her. but then there's silence. it's nothing particular. just a strum of air that feels impossibly comfortable. maybe unsettling.

"look," she starts slowly. "as much as i want to talk to you -"

"lies," she says. out loud. embarrassingly enough to cover her mouth with a hand. "i mean -"

"shut up," jessica dismisses. this isn't like the last time they talked; taeyeon tries really hard not to remember. "look," jessica says again. "i'm on a time crunch. so if you've got something to say - i really hate that i'm about to come off like a bitch - just say it. stop dancing around. i'm not a fan of it."

"whatever."

admittedly, it's taken a really long time to get here and there was an acknowledgment in what jessica says. even more so, it's the fact that she simply answered the phone. which continues to surprise taeyeon from time to time.

"are you going to be in town?" taeyeon asks. almost desperate for a distraction.

"in a couple of days."

"should we have dinner?"

jessica snorts. "i like food." she doesn't ask: how long are you around? maybe it's dismissive enough. taeyeon finally hears the airport in the background. there's a _boarding call!_ and the wail of a baby that fills the line. taeyeon can almost hear the shrug in her voice. "yeah, sure," she says. "we can have dinner. i know a couple of places nearby that you may like."

she says _you_ and taeyeon doesn't know what to do. but the conversation is over anyway. she doesn't feel okay. or accomplished. or anything that exists in between. they've been here before, she reminds herself. you can't rehash arguments that already exist. or have conversations that they know they won't finish. _they_ feels stagnant. and if she circulates this again, she will lose her mind. 

"let me know," she says instead, and after they hang up, she realizes that both their numbers have stayed the same.

 

 

 

"so it's like a date," tiffany says at disneyland.

"it's not," taeyeon grouses. she fidgets with her mouse ears. "it's dinner and there's going to be a lot of food. because it's going to get awkward, i'm sure."

honestly, she'd rather not talk about it. but she's in los angeles and not seoul. and she can't hide at her house. not that she would - hide, that is. right now, she wants ice cream.

"sounds like a date," tiffany hums. "a big time _date_."

and seriously, taeyeon feels like hitting her. maybe she's been spending too much time with hyoyeon. 

her nerves are on high. she knows where this conversation is going to go. remember when you were the bigger person and reached out to jessica before all of us? yes, yes i do. these are things she keeps closer to herself. mostly, it's none of the other girls' business. they're not kids anymore. maybe that's her fault.

"it's not a date," she says.

at no point, does she say that she wished it was. that much is true.

 

 

 

dinner is a tapas place two days later.

it's lit by candlelight. it's a record high temperature that night. sticky. so much so that sweat is gathering at the back of her neck and a long the swell of her back, even though it's barely a two block walk from tiffany's house, the beach, and the stupidly small tapas restaurant that jessica picks. it's a blur how she got herself to this point. to today, the restaurant - nothing more than that.

 _don't kiss on the first date!_ punches itself into her phone. from tiffany, of course. and taeyeon won't answer it. because she doesn't hate herself that much. instead, she ignores how her dress is sticky against her legs and she spots jessica inside, by the window. looking comfortably at her phone.

"fuck me," she breathes. then grips her back.

in her head, she counts the steps she takes from outside to the hostess stand. then it's the stand to the small table. right in front of jessica, then jessica and wine.

"you're drinking," she blurts. or greets. her head is spinning.

jessica looks up from her phone. "you're still standing." she seems bored. "are you going to sit?"

"i was planning to be better," taeyeon says, her mouth flat as if she were trying to be a jerk. she drops to the seat and grimaces when a menu follows. "sorry."

"whatever."

small talk makes taeyeon crazy. not it in a good. it drags at her insecurities. she's acutely aware of her shortcomings and how people may see some of her shortcomings. with the girls, it's healthy teasing. with jessica - she can't remember what it was like with jessica.

so she looks up.

jessica is glowing. like actually glowing. skin glossy and warm against the soft lighting. it's romantic; she's an older jessica, seemingly wiser and much more relaxed in a way that makes taeyeon completely envious. and face to face with what she's actually missed.

"okay," she breathes. "let's eat."

 

 

 

it had taken a little over two years to get them to a conversation. taeyeon remembers. rather not. but she does and it becomes apparent again as they drift through topics and slip up, forging holes in awkward and tired subjects. jessica looks ready to burst too and taeyeon has some satisfaction in knowing that she got to her. somehow, some way.

then she runs out of water to drink.

jessica's wine glass is also empty. "what's really going on?" she asks. finally.

"nothing." taeyeon leans back in her seat. her dress sticks to her legs. dry heat, she reminds herself. "i guess i just wanted to talk to you. do i really need a reason?"

"yeah. i think so."

"don't hold back," she replies dryly.

jessica snorts. "well, can you blame me? it's like i signed an eternity of non-disclosures with all of you. i get that i'm busy, but no one is really consistent."

"are _you_?"

it's a dig and jessica barely bats an eye. she leans into the palm of her hand. close enough into the table to make taeyeon uncomfortable.

"probably not," she agrees. "i just wish you'd just come out with whatever you wanted to talk to me about. you know - the weather, tiffany, the beach? i don't care."

"i don't have anything."

it's a truth and a lie. exactly that. a mesh of things that taeyeon is struggling not to touch. jessica doesn't need to know.

"i don't," she insists and jessica rolls her eyes. watches taeyeon lean back into her seat. taeyeon presses on. "i'm just trying to understand why i think of you and i reach out. like a bad habit. or just a habit. it feels like i'm out of practice and should know better."

jessica picks up a fork. she twirls it between her fingers. "maybe you have a crush on me," she deadpans. her voice too dry for taeyeon. is she teasing her? probably not.

"don't think so." taeyeon's palms are warm. "i wouldn't call it a crush."

"then?"

"i don't know."

"but you do," jessica says. "because you brought it up. and i know you well enough to know that you just don't bring things up lightly. i may be out of practice and all, but that's a distinct characteristic that you can't run away from. you don't hide things very well."

it's wild. because jessica's words are painful and true and she is the only person that can say these things and mean them. like really mean them. to the point where taeyeon freezes and agrees. jessica gets under taeyeon's skin. still does, apparently. with a pile of knives and smile that taeyeon wasn't ready for.

i hate you, she wants to say. but doesn't. she doesn't hate jessica. she just doesn't know her. anymore, she reminds herself. it's an itch.

"how far is your hotel?"

taeyeon's ears are ringing. she's surprised when the words just stumble out. her mouth feels a little dry.

"ten minutes by car," jessica answers. "why?"

it's stupid, but taeyeon grabs jessica's hand. "let's go then," she says.

their fingers lace together. one of them pays the bill.

 

 

 

a fact:

they sleep together.

it is not the way the conversation is supposed to go. or was meant to go. a reason why taeyeon, since she's known jessica, knows better than to go into any conversation or interaction with her blindly. jessica is that person after all. 

but the words weren't meant to be important. at least, that's what taeyeon tells herself - over the untouched room service. dessert, of course. or over jessica's jewelry by the nightstand. a robe on the chair. piece of the other woman that seem completely unfamiliar. and that she hates.

sex is a terrible solution. "but it's easy," she whispers into jessica's throat. who laughs and taeyeon feels the heat pool in her belly at the sound. "i just don't want to think about anything right now."

sp on the second time around, taeyeon feels the sheets slide along her legs as she glides her mouth across jessica's stomach. she bites at her hip and jessica makes this low sound again. a hum. and her fingers shift into taeyeon's hair.

did i love you? she asks herself. "we were supposed to talk," she murmurs, out loud.

"bang up job," jessica breathes, and taeyeon slides her fingers against her though. should i? she thinks again: maybe? "words are stupid right _now_ ," jessica says too.

and she can't see jessica's face. that helps. her mouth drags from her stomach though, along the crevice between her legs as she spreads them only slide her fingers inside of jessica. she's undecided. taste. touch. taste again. her mouth becomes wet and sticky and jessica is panting over her, grabbing fistfuls of her hair as her hips buck into both taeyeon's fingers and mouth.

she listens to every gasp and angry, breathless turn of her name. slides her hand between her own legs. feels how wet she is. thinks _i want to remember this_ because this is jessica and this feels way too honest. almost undeserving at that. but then taeyeon filled with the need to jessica again. first. stretches her hand over jessica's belly as she digs her fingers inside of herself. wanting to push herself and finish with jessica instead.

jessica says her name again. and again. pulls at her hair and the sheets are lapping away at her legs. her tongue feels tart and her skin is flushing. i'm going to be here all night, she thinks. and is overcome by the desire to prove to herself that she make jessica the same way that she feels. desperate. needy. it almost feels real. but not like love.

it just can't be anymore.

 

 

 

tiffany asks on her way to the airport.

"you slept with her." or doesn't asks, but grins with her teeth and hits taeyeon's arm. "i didn't see you when i got back from the studio."

taeyeon doesn't answer. scrolls onto instagram. likes a couple of photos. posts one of herself in the car with headphones on. just to piss tiffany off because it'll make her feel better. she'd rather not think about a mess and then the mess of missing her best friend again. it's lonely, inside of her head.

"you'll tell me," tiffany tries again.

taeyeon rolls her eyes. "probably not."

"you _did_!"

"nope," she manages and somehow finds herself onto jessica's page. spots a photo in the corner. it's recent and she's wearing a turtleneck, hiding behind a pair of sunglasses that looks similar to the first pair she gave taeyeon when she was excited and first moving on.

she stares at the picture. feels her mouth twitch. her thumb slips and she likes the photo. wonders what that's going to say. then stops caring. only to dislike the photo because really, when is she ever going to be able to handle something like that.

tiffany is singing along to the radio. "definitely not out of your system."

taeyeon tries to ignore her. "it's just messy," she says.

but that's just to herself.


	2. (fall)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _It would be easier to call this an itch._

(fall)

 

 

it would be easier to call this an itch.

the truth? it's been months since los angeles. months since she's thought about jessica. you have to move on, she mostly tells herself. because life does. 

"you're really just obsessed," hyoyeon points out over lunch.

it's a once a month thing for them. was supposed to be a once a week commitment but hyoyeon is more yuri's speed. yoona is usually out of the country or filming or out of the country filming. yuri and sunny both strike a balance between being incredibly busy or incredibly good at find things to be busy about. and taeyeon just prefers her music.

"am i?" she sighs. she almost presses hyoyeon about jessica. but then draws back. it's none of your damn business, she tells herself. but they're still talking about her. "i think because it's just always so open ended it..."

hyoyeon scoffs. grabs her water. then stabs her fork into her salad. "you take it too personally," she answers. "like you're the last one or something that's gotten over this stupid hump we all gave each other. and by the way? you're the only one that's held onto jessica this way. and like, instead of pretending to understand why i'm just going to call it - either you've always been in love with her or you're obsessed."

taeyeon feels her face burn. turns her head and looks out the window. she tries to remain unbothered. tries not to redirect her head onto some kind of timeline adventure. did she breathe a certain way? did something happened when they were younger? where did it all go wrong, all of the sudden?

"i hate you."

"no you don't."

"yes i do." her hand covers her face and taeyeon rubs her eyes. "it's a real mess in here, you know," she says, tapping her head.

hyoyeon laughs. maybe, for the first time since they've sat down.

"everybody knows that," she says.

 

 

 

jessica calls her.

"i'm outside."

"why?" it's after midnight, and taeyeon is stretched out in her living room, surrounded by her fifth album concept that she hates. she is supposed to leave for hong kong in two days and really, nothing seems like it's going right.

jessica sounds like she's rolling her eyes. "what you do you mean why?" she coughs. "just let me in. it's cold. or getting colder. and the dumb leaves are sticking to the bottoms of my shoes."

she scrambles to stand. because what the _hell_. her dogs look up at her from their bed and then promptly drop back to sleep. her hands feel like they're trembling too hard. she tries to mat her hair down. stumbles because her socks are sliding too fast.

but she still opens the door. 

jessica, on the other side, looks relieved and annoyed. a scarf swallows her neck. her hands are shoved into her jacket. she doesn't smile; she grimaces.

"that would have been awkward had you moved," she comments.

taeyeon shakes her head. she steps back. "good thing."

when jessica steps inside into the foyer, taeyeon realizes she's wearing some kind of dress. there's a weird kind of sparkle and for some reason, it just pisses taeyeon off. she looks straight out of a photo and it makes her really uncomfortable. i don't know this jessica, she wants to say.

"where were you?"

jessica shrugs. pulls the zipper off of her booties. "brand commitments," she answers. "the food was terrible and i'm starving. i only had to stay for an hour but it was the longest hour of my _life_."

she peels back the rest of her coat and taeyeon swallows before she take it. the complete dress has no back, but rather an outline of fabric that dips down to her back. reveals a shy amount of skin that is covered by a wisp of gauzy fabric - conservative enough to be jessica, but much more of a surprise for a photo op. jessica is sparkles and literal silk and taeyeon may hate all of it.

"i think i have something," she mutters, blushing when jessica catches her gaze. "or just takeout."

"takeout works."

jessica bounds off and leaves taeyeon with her things to hang up. which she does. she doesn't know what else to do. why would she? her heart is racing and jessica seems more like trouble then anything else.

when she comes back to living room, she finds her too. digging through her album concepts with a frown. occasionally, she'll look up. taeyeon feels her mouth open and close. but jessica picks up the mess of papers, filing them neatly into the packet they came in. she even replaces the sticky notes on the front.

"i'm not surprised they went that way," she murmurs. then arches an eyebrow as taeyeon still stares. "i thought you said you had takeout?"

"in the kitchen?"

"blue's your color though." jessica turns and wanders towards the kitchen, kneeling briefly to ruffle her dogs from their sleepy corner. "i mean, the romantic side is a little too soft for you though."

"i know." taeyeon swallows. moves to the fridge and grabs the half-eaten takeout pasta. she grabs a fork and hands it to jessica. secretly hopes that she stains her very expensive dress. "that's why i'm pushing to actually finish the album first. because why not do things that make sense."

"ooo." jessica grins a little. spoons some pasta onto her fork and bites neatly. "sounds like you've got some staying power."

"at least i release music."

the words stumble out faster than she intends them to. taeyeon panics too. watches jessica's expression shift from humor to something calmer. she may smile sadly, but turns sideways to lean against the kitchen counter.

"i guess that's true," she answers. sounds even cordial. jessica tucks her hair behind her ear. "you do release music."

"sorry."

"are _you_?"

they both stare at each other. jessica has a spot of pasta sauce on the corner of her lips. 

"that really wasn't a nice thing to say."

jessica points her fork at her. "but you wanted to say it."

"i don't want to fight," taeyeon insists tiredly.

"we're not though. the last time we actually fought was when we were eighteen and you told me i gained weight because that's what they wanted you to tell me. and then i almost hit you. because back then, i probably was the only other one besides hyoyeon that could get away with hitting you. and whatever. this -" jessica pauses, jerking her fork between them. "this isn't a fight."

taeyeon rolls her eyes. "ok. whatever you want."

"i don't know what i want."

"what?"

jessica puts down the pasta. she grabs a fistful of hair and wraps it around her palm, haphazardly braiding it. it tucks underneath one of the sleeves of her dress. "i don't know what i want," she says. "i had this bizarre idea of coming to see you, just to see you. thought, you know, maybe since we're sort of talking... or being consistent, i'd come."

"and sleep with me again?" taeyeon blurts. it shoves out of her mouth a lot faster than she intends it too. you're not thinking, she scolds herself. idiot.

jessica's mouth twists. "maybe," she says softly.

"that's probably not a good idea." taeyeon steps forward. "doing _that_ again."

her fingers are trembling when they touch jessica's face. she doesn't mean to. but she does. flips her thumb and slides it underneath her jaw. she bites her lip.

"neither is that," jessica murmurs.

"probably not," taeyeon agrees.

jessica shifts back. she puts her fork down into the sink. the pasta remains half-eaten. taeyeon doesn't remember the restaurant. was it dinner with her brother? or was it yoona, back when she was consistently in town.

"how did we get here?"

taeyeon looks up. blinks too.

"i -" she opens her mouth and closes it. "i mean, probably some stupid argument. i really have a hard time wrapping my head around any of it, actually. could i have said anything differently to you? should i have been more supportive. like... these things haunt me sometimes. i went _wrong_ with you and it's the one, large glaring error in my life that even if i try to move forward and on, it's still there, still waiting, as if i need to acknowledge it in a particular way. it's probably the most terrifying elephant in the room."

it sounds like a confession. jessica's expression changes. rises and falls. shifts into something soft and sad. there's a nervous pang in the back of taeyeon's throat. it presses into her tongue. i'm sorry, she doesn't say. this isn't what i wanted to do, she doesn't say either. there are a million different confessions to reason herself through.

instead, jessica smiles. shakes her head. picks up her phone - taeyeon didn't notice her bring it in. jessica pushes back her hair, tucking it behind both ears. it takes a minute for taeyeon to realize that she's walking back towards the door. she only stops and ruffles the furs of the dogs. cooing to them. taeyeon can feel her heart racing. all the way up to the door itself, watching jessica slide back into her shoes and reaching for her jacket.

"i should go," jessica says, and taeyeon doesn't stop her.

they could have slept together that night.

 

 

 

it feels like crisis management. taeyeon still doesn't have an album concept, but she has a concert series. is heading to taiwan for the start of it. then has three brand commitments to go to, much to her dismay and the company's relief.

"you've got to leave your house," tiffany scolds. a million miles away and still accusing her of jessica-related things. "see the outside world, you know? it'll be good for you."

"i hate you," she mutters. that's the end of that conversation.

taiwan is gorgeous though. a cluster of lights and open, vast skies that make her feel impossibly small and relived. she can be like everyone else. 

her hotel is situated over a gigantic cityscape. her favorite corner in the room is the bathroom, an open view and a tub that she can lost inside for a few hours. her management says things like 'today, you rest your voice!' because tomorrow is rehearsals and all the instagram photos to satisfy the people that have a real need to look into her life.

she draws a bath too. watches the skyline change from day to night. lights a couple of candles left by hotel staff. waits for the bath to file and swipes through instagram to see what's happen. there's tiffany. there's sooyoung. the rest of the girls and then jessica, secretly between the company's concert announcement and ariana grande playing around with her dog.

jessica is busy captioning new york, it seems. leaves are red and gold and orange way too picturesque for taeyeon to not hate it and hate her. and oh god, here she goes again getting angry with jessica for just being _jessica_.

she calls her. definitely doesn't mean to.

"don't you know the time difference?" jessica answers. growls even.

"are you sleeping?"

" _ugh_ , seriously?" something hits the floor. "i literally just got to bed."

taeyeon shrugs. balances the phone into her shoulder. "i was about to take a bath," she says. she's petty. "thought about you."

"don't lie."

"i'm not," she says, and i am, she doesn't say. it's sharp and tired and rolls off her tongue just as easily. "and you just answered too."

"you never call me." it sounds like jessica laughs. "so i figured it was either an emergency or you just being dumb. was hoping for a drunk dial even."

taeyeon switches to speaker. tries not get annoyed. pulls off her clothes and slides into the bath, wrapping her fingers around the phone. the water shifts and makes a lapping noise. hits the side of the tub and starts to burn her skin as she tries and settles. she aches a little. then tries to rub her neck.

"i do think about you," she says quietly.

jessica doesn't respond. there's an inhale and exhale. taeyeon tries to think of her listening.

"i mean it," taeyeon insists. "it's kind of like an obsession. where did we go wrong? can i fix it? these are the things that i still think about. that i don't like admitting i think about. it's embarrassing. it's like everyone else has moved on and i'm left behind."

"sounds kind of selfish."

"what?"

jessica sighs. "selfish," she repeats. "sounds kind of _selfish_. you're lamenting over people getting older and you being unable to preserve moments and mistakes. you have to get over yourself." it's as if she catches herself being callous. "look," she murmurs. "i'm not trying to be mean. i just think that you're taking on too much of other people's issues and not enough of your own. as if you're punishing yourself for some stupid reason."

"can you blame me?" her heart is in her throat.

"no," jessica says. "i won't."

it's a blunt version of the truth. an acknowledgment that feels like it comes out of nowhere. her hand tremble in the water.

she doesn't know what to say.

for a moment, it's just the two of them in silence. taeyeon looks out into the skyline. watches the lights flicker and fall. thinks to herself _i should go to bed_ because there's nothing else to fill her space with. jessica remains on the line as well. taeyeon listens to her breathe. in and out. in and out. it shapes a kind of picture of her. charged with way too many feelings and too little memories to keep taeyeon anything near steady.

finally, jessica's voice starts to slur back to sleep. "you have to start somewhere, you know."

there, it starts to feel a little like love.

or what it can be.

**Author's Note:**

> \- Inspired by Taeyeon's coming singles/teaser. Mostly, it was the 'did I love you?' that basically did me in. And the copious amounts of video parallels between the 'Love me the same' video from Jessica too.
> 
> \- Will be four parts.
> 
> \- Is written in lapslock because of a style preference and because of the particular way this story is going to unfold. I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, but I hope you enjoy reading it all the same!


End file.
